I’m finally able to admit I’m overwhelmed. It’s not that I don’t have moments to relax or that I never catch up on X Factor, I do. Things are simply hectic in general. I go from thinking about my obligations at work, mentally straining over my weekly college work, feeling guilty about being away from home, house work {oh the dreaded 2nd shift}, what’s for dinner, homework with the kids, bills, social functions, Dr. appointments, quilt orders {which I’ve officially put on hold}, fitting in fun/family time, etc. It’s a lot and I wish I could just turn it all off. I’m at the point where nothing is as enjoyable as it used to be because it’s all a chore. Ugh, I hate thinking about things like that. I’ve decided that my attitude needs improvement. My smile needs some polishing. I’ve got to fit in some ME TIME! This has everything to do with elimination and making time for my health. In the last 2 years, I’ve put on weight. I’ve been telling myself, “Your schedule is to blame” and “It’s temporary”. Although that may be part of the problem, simply acknowledging it isn’t enough. I’ve never been the girl who could eat anything and not exercise. I’ve always had to work hard to maintain a healthy figure. That meant eating right and cheating smart + consistent exercise. Given the current pace of my life, that’s not been happening. Plus my sweet husband loves me whether I’m + or – 40 lbs {he better!}, which hasn’t been motivating. This situation has been weighing heavy in my heart and taking up way too much thinking time. Not to mention, I saw the picture! You know, the one that you get tagged in on facebook that puts everything you’ve been trying to hide by wearing hoodies and sweaters in 80 degree temperature right smack in your eye…yeah that picture! It’s time to get active. Yet, I’m scared. I’ve done this once or twice in the last year and I’ve failed miserably. First time, I was a few months away from being married and decided to lose 20 lbs before the wedding. I was super committed and in 2 weeks dropped 10 lbs. Then I feel out of our master bedroom sliding glass door. Random? Yes! I fell 5′ onto my back and sliced open my left leg. Unfortunately, our deck was being replaced and my fall couldn’t have been at a worse time. Hello E.R.! Goodbye treadmill! There went the exercising and my diet quickly reverted back to whatever sounds good must be good. Then randomly, I decided to start eating better and convinced myself I’d make time on the fly for exercising. Well that never happened and eating good didn’t last for more than a few days. It’s ridiculous! I’m such a hard-working, dedicated, strong-willed person and I’ve NEVER had a hard time sticking to a conviction. I went from 145 lbs to 173 lbs after giving birth to my son 9 years ago and lost the weight after 3 months of hard work. I can’t understand why I can’t just get on it! I don’t think I’ve ever dreaded something as much as I am dreading finding my way back to me. When I see myself in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself. It’s amazing what extra weight can do to your face. In a way, I think the visual disconnect has made me not care about myself. It’s as if I’m not responsible for the person in the mirror because it’s not me. Nothing improves. Where have I gone? Logically I know what needs to be done and expressing my feelings and understanding how I got here isn’t going to do me squat! It’s time to get my butt in gear. I’m putting down the treats. Avoiding the tricks {diet pills beware}. Getting moving.
This means:
The laundry will have to wait.
You might find my house messy {serious pet peeve}.
I might have to slack here & there on homework.
No more McDonald’s dollar menu on the fly.
{Frappe Mocha, I will miss you!}
Quilt orders are currently on hold.
Exercise 5 times a week.
{My work out videos might wake or keep my family up…too bad!}
Weight Watchers to keep me accountable about my diet.
If I say I can’t eat your holiday desserts, don’t force me. I’m fragile!
No E.R. visits!
I can do this! I have to do this! The enjoyment of my existence depends on it! Okay, enough of the dramatics. I just miss my waist line. Miss feeling pretty. Hate being self-conscious. Who wants to think about themselves all the time? Not me!
♥ R
PS. Keys, I’m sorry for the extra bashing while I typed. It’s just being vulnerable is sort of painful for me. Love, Me!
